Fear
by sofasitter
Summary: Set after season 12 Pursuit. Olivia knows there's only one person who's presence will make her feel any better. Spoilers for season 12 Pursuit.


**Disclaimer – The characters don't belong to me, no copyright infringement intended. **

**A/N – I'm kind of blocked with other stories at the moment so this is to hopefully unstuck me so I can get other stuff finished. Apologies for anyone who is waiting for the next chapter of Guilty Conscience, hopefully tomorrow!**

**Set after Pursuit – S.12 so major spoiler if you haven't already seen that. **

She entered her apartment, without bothering to turn on a light or even lock the door behind her.

Nothing mattered anymore, not the need to eat or sleep or take a bath to ensure that the blood was fully washed away.

She already showered, at the precinct and changed her clothes there, putting what she'd been wearing when she found Sonya into an evidence bag along with her shoes. Then she sealed it and took it down to Warner, figuring that she wouldn't want them back.

Her keys flew across the coffee table, and then - just like that night so many years earlier, when a different ADA bled furiously beneath her hands, with no way of stopping it - she bent forwards and cradled her head in her hands, sobbing loudly into the vast silence.

Elliot's return was comforting, but there would be only one voice, once person that would comfort her tonight.

She reached over and picked up the letter from the coffee table. One of many that were mailed once she stopped returning the sender's phone calls and answering her emails, deciding it would hurt less to simply wipe the slate clean and walk away.

The handwriting was neat, elegant and with deliberate curls, dotted 'I's' and crossed 'T's'. She caressed the sign off with the pad of her thumb, now wet with tears, it was always signed the same, _'with love … A.'_

She sighed, and picked up her keys and wallet, pocketing the last letter with its sender's address inscribed upon the back in case of return.

* * *

At the lobby she flashed her badge to the doorman and continued up, barely pausing to ask questions of herself and why she was there. She hesitated once, for a moment or two, before knocking – overwhelmed by a need to lay eyes upon the blonde and remove the mental picture of her lifeless body spilling blood out onto the sidewalk.

Then just like that she was there, standing before her in the doorway – all blonde hair and blue eyes and a hesitant, unreadable smile.

Olivia relaxed her shoulders and unclenched, letting out a relieved sigh as she spoke. "I just needed to see you."

Then just like that she turned away again, making her way back towards the elevator.

Alex put down the bowl of cereal she'd been eating when she'd got up to answer the door and calmly slid her feet into a pair of pumps. "Liv …" She stuck her head out the apartment door and looked at the detective stood waiting some way down the coridoor for the elevator. She grabbed her door keys and shut it behind her. "Liv, wait!"

Olivia stood in the hallway waiting, the last letter still crumpled in her jeans pocket, the last one of many that begged her to pick up the phone and call, to write back, to hear the blonde out and give them and their _friendship-or-whatever-it-was_ another chance.

She waited patiently for the 'ping' which would signal her escape, pondering using the stairs if it wasn't thirteen floors up, then the blonde lay a tentative hand upon her shoulder, slowly spinning her around.

"You're gonna leave, just like that?"

Alex's face was red with silent fury, the pulse in her temple flickering wildly in Olivia's peripheral vision.

"Why the hell did you come here if you're just gonna leave again?" She asked again sharply. "Liv … answer me!"

The elevator arrived and opened beside them, bearing a young couple and a single male dressed in a business suit, all of whom were clearly headed for higher floors.

The two women turned towards the open doors and for a second Olivia seemed to consider it.

"Don't you even dare …" Alex warned, no mistaking from her tone that she meant it.

The occupants of the elevator watched the fireworks display for a second or two longer before the guy reached across and pushed the button to close the doors.

"I haven't seen you in over a year …" Alex whispered, pain evident in her voice. "I've been back in New York for six months and you haven't called or wanted to see me it's been …"

Painful.

Awful.

Soul-destroying?

She let Liv fill in the blanks for herself.

"I don't know what you want from me Alex?" Olivia asked, hands shoved roughly into her jeans pockets to protect her from herself and her desire to take the younger blonde in her arms and feel her, to remind herself that she was breathing and real.

"I want you to tell me why you're here, now … showing up at my door at midnight." Alex asked, arms folded across her middle as she waited for Olivia's answer.

"I'm sorry." Liv mumbled. "I shouldn't have come."

She blinked, and in an instant felt a wave of nausea wash over her at the image of Sonya laying gasping on the white tiles of the bathroom floor, her blood seeping out into Olivia's hands, wet and warm and sticky. Just like the red pool that spread out beneath Alex's shoulder when she was shot, so much that Liv believed them without question when they came out of the OR and told them she hadn't made it.

She wasn't sure when the tears began rolling down her cheeks, or when her hands came out of her pockets to stop them. She couldn't remember Alex halting her with her hands, or pulling her close and wrapping Liv's arms around her back before drawing her tear stained face in to rest against her shoulder. She just remembered the way it felt to have those arms wrapped around her body, fingers tangled in her hair as they gently soothed her to a state of calm.

"Sonya Paxton's dead." Liv sobbed, the words barely audible against Alex's chest.

Alex drew her away to look at those eyes, the same glazed hazel orbs that had begged her to hang on to life as if they had so much more they needed to do together. Only their tomorrow was forever being delayed, and now everything that stood in their way was being weighed down by Olivia's pride.

She held the detective by the back of her head, considering their position for a moment before dipping hers to lay a kiss, softly, upon salted wet lips. It turned heated the second their mouths touched and Olivia moaned, seeking ownership of the blonde as she leant into their embrace, almost knocking Alex off balance.

They stepped back, stunned.

"Where did _that_ come from?" Liv asked, her tone accusatory.

"Don't be a jerk Liv …" Alex answered softly, she reached for the Detective's hand, pleased to note that she didn't immediately pull away. "You want to tell me about what happened?" She asked, indicating with a backwards glance that they make their way back to the apartment.

Liv stepped towards her, curling their fingers together in both hands as she wound Alex's behind her back and pressed their bodies close. "No …" She said firmly, her breath hot and moist against Alex's neck. She planted a kiss firmly against the throbbing pulse point in the blonde's neck and began walking her backwards towards her apartment. "I don't want to talk about dying … only living."

They met the outside of Alex's apartment door and crashed up against it, Liv's mouth all over her, against her lips, her neck and her chest, sucking and biting and nibbling – sometimes soft and sometimes firm. Alex groaned at the sensations and whimpered a little, desperate for Olivia to let go of her hands so they could open the door and go inside. It wasn't how she'd expected Liv to finally kiss her, she'd thought about romance and a softness that was missing from the Detective's predatory stare. They'd hurt each other too much in the past for their first kisses to be gentle. Liv wanted to leave marks so that if the blonde decided to disappear on her again then at least she'd have Olivia's imprint to take with her, and Alex was happy to be marked, after six months of simply longing to hear her voice.

"Not here …" Alex moaned, feeling Liv's hand flat against her stomach, her own hips rolling unconsciously as the detective's tongue trailing up her neck drove her wild with years of repressed desire. "Please …" She begged. "Let's go inside."

Liv growled, and licked her once, then twice more before backing away, slowly undressing the attorney with her eyes. Alex felt herself almost melt to the floor as she turned with trembling fingers and pulled out the keys to open the door.

"Why'd you lock it …" Liv husked, pressing herself up against Alex back as she dragged her hands up the blonde's sides from her hips to the sides of her breasts, lifting her shift to run her fingers across warm skin.

Alex shuddered and moaned, nearly dropping the keys out of her grasp. "I thought I might have needed to run after you …" She explained, her voice equally husky with need.

They burst through the door and within seconds were back up against the other side of it, this time it was Alex who had Olivia pinned, her mouth roughly pulling at the Detective's bottom lip, greedily seeking entrance. She tossed Olivia's jacket off her shoulders and began dragging her shirt free of her jeans, slipping one leg deliberately between Liv's as she drove her thigh higher and watched the Detective come undone.

"Fuck …" Liv hissed, her mouth dropped open and Alex immediately filled it with her tongue.

She kept Olivia pinned with the assault against her mouth as her fingers moved to the buckle on her belt, wondering if the brunette would try and stop her. She undid swiftly and continued with the buttons of her fly, pausing a moment to undo the shirt buttons as well, revealing large breasts encased in a black lace bra, nipples straining like bullets.

In all the years she tried to stop herself from doing what she was about to do, Alex considered that neither one of them had really been ready. She had to go as far as she could go, both mentally and geographically, to get away from Olivia and the risks she posed. And only when she'd been that far and felt that distance and what it meant to truly choose to be away from her had she realised that she was no longer afraid.

"I love you …" Alex whispered, as she slid one hand against the small of the brunette's back and drove the other beneath the elastic rim of her panties, releasing Liv's lower lip from between her teeth as she ran two fingers between soaking wet folds. "I've always loved you." She admitted. "I think I was just too scared to see it."

Liv closed her eyes, simply holding on for the ride as Alex nipped and sucked at the tops of her breasts. She felt Alex's grip tighten around her waist, holding her tight and bearing her weight as her fingers curled firmly inside. She leant breathlessly against Alex's cheek, unable to process the sensations of the blonde's fingers deep inside her and her thumb curled purposefully against the tip of nerve endings that made her quiver and jerk.

"It's ok … I've got you …" Alex whispered, intensifying her thrusts as she felt Olivia's walls start to tighten and draw her in. She pulled back, wanting to stare into soft brown eyes as they gave in to release.

Liv saw her watching, and opened her mouth to speak, the words lost in the soft yelp and moan that escaped her lips, her body jerking and falling as Alex struggled to hold her up.

They stood for long minutes against the safety of the door, neither committed nor running from anything. Alex urged Liv to lift a little, before removing her fingers to the sound of a soft whimper, and bringing them to her mouth to clean. Liv grasped her face and kissed her, tasting herself on Alex's lips and tongue.

"I'm sorry." Liv said honestly, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. "I've been so lonely without you." She admitted, not wanting to rake over the nights she sat alone in her apartment nursing the aching void in her chest after the blonde had gone again.

"I hurt you." Alex stated, softly nuzzling into Liv's neck and inhaling the scent of her hair. "I never meant to, but I didn't have the courage for it to be any other way … I missed the way you smell …" She husked, after a pause.

Olivia chuckled, pulling the blonde against her into a full hug. "_I_ missed the way you feel." She replied, running her hands up and down the blonde's back. "You got thinner."

Alex nodded, her hands wrapped tight around Olivia's neck as she held on for dear life. "Are you going to stay?"

"Depends …" Olivia replied humbly. "Are you going to leave again?"

"No …"

"Then yes …"

**Reviews would rock, I'm kinda stuck with writing at the moment.**


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